What the !@#$%^&*! Is Wrong with My Computer?

My computer sucks. It sucks hard.

For several months now, my computer (a Dell PC, at least five years old) takes at least 15 minutes (or more!) to fully boot up, and when it does, everything takes forever to operate. No action takes place without the damn hourglass occupying the screen. When I call up the Task Manager (which itself takes many seconds longer than necessary), I see about 60 processes running in the background, using up quite a number of MBs. I don't even know what most of these programs are! I run both the virus software that comes with my AOL account as well as free version AVG 8.0, but neither program ever finds viruses.

This is simply no way for a computer to work, especially in this increasingly electronic, Internet-based world. What should I do? Is it simply time for a new computer? Are there steps I'm not taking that can solve these problems for the computer I'm using?

I'm leaving it open to you, my loyal readers--all four of you. If you have any ideas for me, or if you can tell me where to go (to solve my computer problems, that is), please do so in the comments section. Thanks!